The Ukrainian war club caper

The Russians have the reputation as big time vodka drinkers but having viewed the competition first hand I give the crown to the Ukraine. My Ukrainian distributor Maxime is THE world class vodka drinker. I have witnessed this not only at dinner but at lunch. The vodka shots start with a toast to your good health and the toast passes to the next person at the table and goes around and round until the carafe is empty. I think this is the end of the drinkathon but another carafe immediately appears. After a half dozen or more rounds of the toasts the spirit the toasts gets stretched to the absurd which is helped along by the shots of vodka. My last ditch toast is “here’s to chickens with lips.” I have no idea what it means but it seems to meet the requirements.

The day after the BIG night out with the Russian and the Ukrainians was a Sunday and there was a flea market in the square. I wanted to get some soviet era post cards. I found the post cards and Maxime insisted on buying me a Ukrainian spiked war club. I explained that I only had carry on luggage and could not get this lethal device through airport security. Maxime insisted. I thanked him for the thoughtful gift. We had some time to kill so we went to a pool hall and played snooker and you guessed it, drank shots of vodka. Then it was off to the airport. I was wondering how getting the war club through security would play out.

When I arrived at the airport security X-ray belt I put my carry on bag through first and then the plastic bag with the war club. My carry on bag went through but the belt stopped when they saw the war club. There was much chatter and a uniformed official appeared. He looked at me and looked at my Russian companion and he invited the Russian to go into his office. He left the door open so I could witness the arguing and yelling. This went on for a few minutes then my Russian guy reached for his wallet and I knew I was going to get my war club through security.

The uniformed officer spoke to the security personnel and the belt started up and my war club came out. I asked my Russian how he knew how much to pay for the bribe? He said it was simple. There was a price list on the wall. War clubs are $20, knives are $25, hand guns are $50 and plutonium is $100. Yes, this is a joke.

Two years later I returned to the Ukraine with my new boss. I had told him the war club story. Maxime insisted on buying him his own war club. At the airport my boss put his carry on bag through first and then the war club. Both items came out but the security person reached for my bosses carry on bag and opened it. Inside was a full size tube of tooth paste that exceeded the 3 ounce limit. The tooth paste was confiscated and the war club sailed through security.

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