A Tugboat Christmas

By Cap'n Jack SheppardTwas the night before ChristmasAnd all through the tug,Only the deckhand was stirringThe tea in his mug.The dock lines were hungBy the fiddly with careIn hopes that crew changeSoon would be there.The tug’s crew was nestledSafe in their bedsAll thankful the pilotsHad taken their meds.Me, out of my float coat,And warm woolen cap,Had just settled in forA short off-watch nap.When down in the galleyThere arose such a clatterI rolled right back over-didn’t care what’s the matter.While the moon on the breastsOf the calendar girlsGave luster to New Year,They twinkled like pearls.When what to my wandering eyes should appear?But a rusty old crew boatApproaching, too near.With a little old driver,All Cajun and thickI could tell right away,That he wasn’t too quick.More rapid than eaglesHis curses, they cameAs he yelled at his deckhandAnd called out bad names.Go faster!Get moving!He was boozed up and drooling!He had a pistol!The kind used for dueling!He was dressed in his besties,From his head to his testesThree coonskins, a gator’s hideAnd 2 robin’s nesties.His eyes, they were bloodshot-His dimples, all hairyHis hair smelled like onions,His nose was quite scary.Then up to the wheelhouseThe drunk Cajun flewWith reckless abandon,Like he’d been sniffing glue.And then with a clinkingA clunk and a shutterHe flew to the stacksAnd slid down like butter.But he spoke not a wordAnd went straight to his workHe ate all our junk foodThis guy was a jerk!No gumbo? He askedNay Nay, he demandedFor a spontaneous rampage,It seemed like he’d planned it.And laying his fingerBeside of his noseHe emptied its contents,As if blown from a hose.As I watched from my roomWith great confusion,I couldn’t make any senseOf the midnight intrusion.Then he sprang to his crew-boatStill belching black smoke-I know I’m up earlyBut this must be a joke!And I heard him exclaimAs he steamed out of sight“I drive boats by day,And I pillage by night!”Then up from my napI was suddenly wakenedIt was all just a dream—But why am I naked?